"it’s hard to save everyone. it can’t be done. people die on the table without even being opened up. people die in the recovery room. but that doesn’t mean we can’t try. sometimes trying is the only thing we’ve got."
A patient went into cardiac arrest this morning. it was chaotic and heartbreaking and exhilarating all at the same time. death knocks on our doorsteps when we least expect it, and sometimes we’re given no other choice but to face it. it takes a toll on people, no doubt about it. but when you work in a hospital, I learned that you can’t dwell on the loss of one patient. It’s tragic and upsetting, but you have to move on because “it’s part of the job.”
Not too long ago, I was told that a twelve year old boy came in for a tonsillectomy a few months ago. it was supposed to be a simple procedure, when all of a sudden, the patient went into a cardiac flatline. it happened out of nowhere. chest compressions were performed for quite some time, but the boy was still in asystole and showed no sign of electrical activity. the boy didn’t make it, and it broke my heart knowing he was just a twelve year old boy who came in to simply get his tonsils removed, and ended up leaving without a life. it was heartbreaking and it’s incredible how daily, doctors and nurses are able to move on from something so tragic as this.
it amazes me how resilient health care workers are. they see death more frequently than anyone, yet they’re able to spring back into shape when it’s all said and done. maybe it’s a facade they put on. maybe it’s the adrenaline. but whatever it is has got me questioning my own capabilities and whether or not I’ll ever be good enough to amount to half as much as the people i’ve worked with this past month. it’s scary to think i won’t ever be good enough at this, because this thing is the only thing i see myself doing for the rest of my life. to top it off, i’ve been completely incapable of choosing between the MD or PAC route, and i’m afraid that that’s the main thing holding me back right now. and it sucks because i really want to have it all figured out right now, but it has just been so freaking hard.